self-es·teem
ˈˌself əˈstēm/
noun
- confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect."assertiveness training for those with low self-esteem"
This has been an ongoing struggle for many people. 7 out of 10 girls/women believe they do not measure up to society's standards or are not good enough. It isn't a matter of them THINKING this. Statistics say that they BELIEVE it.
I had fallen into the category for many years. As a young child, I was very thin. My mother jokes how she used to make me eat and I had to take vitamins, which I remember (Flinstones to be exact). It was around the age of 11 where circumstances in my life pushed me towards food. I wasn't abnormally large by any one's standards but I did have weight and my girlish figure was non-existent. I won't go into details of how self-esteem derailed me in so many ways but it did result in self-harming and self-loathing. I thought I would never be good enough for anyone.
My father passed away when I was 17 and since I was no longer under his thumb, I set out to experience the world. The low worth I had in myself led me down a destructive path. I ended up with the wrong people, the wrong influences and eventually it led to abusing my body with drugs and alcohol. My first husband wasn't very kind to me emotionally or physically and the extent of that abuse will remain unpublished. However, every negative word and every angry blow just validated that I was not good enough for anyone.
Not only did my husband at the time treat me less than human, but my father wasn't the kindest to me during his last few months on this earth. As an adult, I now understand how illness can make you lash out. I get it. I have forgiven. However, the words of "worthless", "never amount to anything", "why bother trying", "idiot"...those words tagged me and sealed my lack of self worth.
After a year of not being able to tolerate it any longer, I moved on and divorced my husband. I have gotten a smart, handsome, witty, amazing, funny (etc etc etc) son out of the ordeal and he makes it worth it all and I would go through it all again. I lost some weight after that merely from not eating and partying. It was then that I met my current husband. We didn't meet on the best terms. By now, my self worth was wrapped up in how hard I could party, how stupid I could make myself look and how I could take all the attention off myself.
My husband. God bless him. He has had an ordeal when he signed up to be with me. I always expected him to hit me. I always expected him to call me names. I always expected him to beat me down with words of negativity and I never fully trusted him. I always expected a day where he would have said he was leaving or he found someone else. Heck, I always felt he DESERVED someone better than me. I was no good. I was damaged and irreparable. Even so, he hung around. There was a time he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't take the lashing out, the anger, the hatred, the self loathing, the animosity. It was never about him. It was the inner turmoil of how I was never good enough.
Words can heal and or they can damage. I remember a very clear incident that I am sure my husband probably has never had cross his mind since it occurred. I couldn't even tell you what the argument was about but in the heat of it he called me "worthless". He had never called me a name.....nothing foul or derogatory or demeaning (I wish I could say the same). He said that single word then stormed out the door. That very word cut me to the core. It took me back to my dad, lying in bed asking me to make him a milk shake. It was all he could really hold down due to his illness. I hadn't made it to his liking and he shoved it back at me and said "You can't even make a milkshake. You're worthless". Don't get me wrong....I do not want to shed a negative light on my dad. He was a great man,,,but towards the end he was a hurting man, a tired man and I was convenient when the pain was too much to bear.
But in that moment, my breath caught and it felt like every ounce of oxygen was pulled out of the room.
And I wept.
I don't mean I cried. I wept. Long and hard. I knew I was worthless. I knew it. However, to hear my husband call me that merely validated it deep in my spirit.
I continued to gain weight and make poor choices. I needed a spiritual healing like no other. I was a born again Christian. I knew what the Word said. I knew that I was a child of God and yet I felt so empty. No purpose.
At the end of 2013, I was at my heaviest. I was miserable. Life was passing me by. I was comfortable being the size I was when in fact I truly wasn't. I wore frumpy clothes, hoping they would not only hide my weight by my insecurities as well. I never went to the women's section because I knew nothing would fit me. I was a mess. I continued to withdraw inside myself, quiet and meek.
At the beginning of 2014, something just clicked inside of me. I can't explain it. I had enough. I no longer wanted to just exist. I wanted to experience all that life had to offer. So, my husband and I signed up for a gym membership.
I was scared, no lie. I thought I would go in there and see all these swollen men and women and I would be the awkward heavy girl that had no idea what she was doing and would be gasping like a beached whale. At first, it was like that. I was uncomfortable. But I got over it.
In less than a year I shed 90 pounds. I was a gym rat and I ate healthy and the weight melted off. So then all my self-esteem came back and I felt fantastic.........not. I still felt like that 'fat' girl. I still wore frumpy clothes. I would go to the store and buy extra large because I knew for a fact I couldn't wear a large. Lies. I remember going into a dressing room with 3 sizes of capris. I initially had a larger size and my daughter convinced me to try on a smaller size. So I took 3 in, just in case.
When I tried on the size 10 capris, I almost had a melt down in the dressing room. I took a picture, sent it to my husband because I was ecstatic. Never, in my life, had I remembered ever wearing that size (I was a size 22 before I lost the weight).
Fast forward to now.
I looked in the mirror today. I realized that I am a completely different person. I made poor choices and will have to live with the repercussions my entire life. I will always have "bat wings". I will always have stretch marks. And ya know what? That's okay. I have came a long way. I used to never wear a bathing suit without a tshirt. Now I am comfortable wearing one. I never wore tank tops. Now I do. I never wore shorts above the knee, never cut my hair short, never bought new clothes (and from the women's section!).....my self worth was so wrapped up in what others thought of me or what others have said/done to me that I could not value who I was as a person. I was merely a blip in the radar.
Do I have full confidence? No. Am I better? Yes. The bible states that the elders should teach the younger. This is true in so many areas. However, I think we don't teach young girls (and boys) to love themselves from an early age. Yes, we need to be healthy. I am not saying being obese is okay. But I am saying that we should teach the younger generation to be happy with the cards they are dealt.
Love yourself. Do not focus on what the world says you are. Focus on who you are in Christ and He thinks you are pretty amazing.
In closing, why did I decide to blog this? Well, I post a lot on social media, whether it is Facebook or Instagram. I post my healthy lifestyle, pictures of my progress, food, etc. Sometimes I think I get on people's nerves....but hey, if you don't like it then move on. If I can inspire just one person then it was worth it. Anyway, I had worked out this evening at home. It was grueling. I posted a picture of me flexing and sent it to my husband say I was getting 'swole' (disclaimer - all the cool kids say that now....means swollen, as in muscle. You're welcome).
I see confidence in that candid picture. It wasn't staged, it wasn't posed. I just quickly snapped it to send to my husband to be funny. We, as a society, need to be careful how we speak to our kids and others. We can direct their path in a way that can be positive...or negative. We need to be careful around listening ears that hear us say...
"I am so fat"
"Retake that picture, I look stupid"
"I am so dumb"
"I shouldn't have eaten that now I feel fat"
"I look so ugly in that picture"
What message are we conveying?
Life and death are in the tongue.
Which one are you going to speak over not only others, but yourself?
 |
| Transformation - my heaviest and now |
 |
| Confidence |
